Making Peace with Confusion
I’m a person who really likes to understand things. It’s why I majored in science in college. If you don’t have a good explanation for what you are saying, I probably won’t believe you. I’m a hard core skeptic.
Enter Functional Neurological Disorder. It does not make sense to me at all. How can my body just quit working correctly for no good reason?
Stress? I’ve been under worse stress in the past and my body worked just fine, thank you very much. Lots of people go through incredible stress and I don’t see them flailing, stumbling, and stuttering. Why me?
For awhile I pursued the Conversion Disorder theory that my body was trying to express an emotional conflict in a physical way, but I never could figure out anything that it was trying to say that would disable me. Believe me, I came up with all sorts of theories, but in the end, I just didn’t get it.
The problem is that at this time, no one knows what the mechanism is for the disorder. Finally some research is being done in this area, but there are no definitive answers yet to explain our faulty wiring.
I hope that someday it will be understood. In the future, maybe an FND patient will go to the neurologist and be told, “Oh, yes, the Maxannian center in your brain has malfunctioned. Put this device in your ear and we’ll get it rebooted for you.” Wouldn’t that be awesome? We all like explanations and answers.
For now unfortunately, there are no simple answers. Functional Neurological Disorder is a disease full of paradoxes. The more you try to make sense of it and the more you focus on your illness, the worse your condition becomes. The harder you try to make your muscles function correctly, the more they seem to have a mind of their own. Yesterday one of my FND friends pointed out one paradox that frustrates her- “Am I supposed to be mindfully aware of my body or distract myself from what it’s doing? How can it be both?”
One of the things that has helped me in my recovery is to let go of the questions. There’s no benefit to getting mired in confusion because of questions for which there are no answers. I don’t know why me, I don’t know why it started, I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know if it will start again. Stop questioning and start pursuing peace and a sense of well-being. The truth is, we can learn to attain a peaceful state in any situation. In a calm, relaxed state, our out-of-sync, often overactive nervous systems may begin to settle down.
Just be…
still…
quiet…
calm…
accepting of yourself,
as you are,
right this minute
Find a positive place to direct your attention. Focusing on dysfunction reinforces it and creates more dysfunction. In spite of the apparent paradox, we can lovingly listen to our bodies and also direct our minds to ways that help us function in a more healthy manner.
Read a book. Draw something. Hug someone special. Spend some time coloring in a coloring book. Talk to a friend (focusing on an enjoyable topic). Go outside and listen to the birds. Put your feet barefoot in the grass. Find a way to help someone else. Eat something delicious. Watch a movie. Move your body in any way that you are able. Listen to a guided meditation. Take a warm bath. Feel pride in whatever your body IS able to accomplish right now!
The more that you are vigilantly monitoring your symptoms, the more that you will find. If you have a symptom tracker, my recommendation would be to throw it away!
Important! Not every symptom we ever have is due to FND. New symptoms should always be evaluated by a medical professional.
Learning to create a calm state of mind goes a long way towards stabilizing our malfunctioning brains.
Wishing you a peaceful day…
Just diagnosed today. As an intellect, curious learner, educator and leader I’m all about the questions so finding the Seizure Investigation Team recommend 2 websites to help me understand my brand new diagnoses after years of investigations and a long season of waiting… the new journey of moving forward begins. This article really resonated with me as I find my mind racing to night with questions and I appreciated your advice to “Just be…
still…
quiet…
calm…
accepting of yourself,
as you are,
right this minute”,
which aligned perfectly with my neuro psych consult today who left me with a sense of peace as he compassionately suggested: “There’s a lot coming at you. Its a severe condition. Its a big deal! However, there’s hope and you’re going to get better.”
I sincerely appreciated the provision at the end of the season of waiting for clarity, and now to move forward with a clear diagnosis for the first time into a new season of finding peace, stillness and acceptance without always first seeking the head knowledge through my intellectual curiosity. That for me will be one of the most significant challenges as I begin my journey with FND. Thank you for sharing your journey Max. I look forward to subscribing to your blog and learning from your wisdom.
Hi Jocelyn,
I’m so happy you’ve found me!I love the message your neuropsychologist gave you. Yes, it’s a big deal. Yes, you have some things to figure out. Nevertheless, there is hope and a way forward to learn to overcome your symptoms. Your intellect and curiosity will make all the difference in your FND journey.
All the best,
Max