Remember those days when you could do whatever you wanted without considering how much it would drain your energy? If you have Functional Neurological Disorder, chances are those days are long gone. Technology has provided some nice analogies for our brain, such as Prof. Jon Stone’s software/hardware comparison to explain why our brain doesn’t function correctly despite normal structure. Thinking about my energy like my phone’s battery helps me manage it better.
Back when we were young and in school, we were often told to pay more attention. It’s easy to get distracted and most of the time more focus helps us learn. For those of us with Functional Neurological Disorder, paying too much attention may actually make our symptoms worse.
Managing my symptoms of Functional Neurological Disorder is easier on some days than others. When life is going smoothly, I can even get a bit lazy about my self care without any noticeable effects.
Going public with my FND recovery story was very much because of a desire to share ideas that could lead others into their own recovery, but my decision to start a blog to help others with Functional Neurological Disorder wasn’t solely due to altruism. It was part of my self-created treatment plan.
As technology becomes more complicated, it seems like it is easier for little glitches to take place in our electronic devices that are so frustrating to figure out. Sometimes the latest update will fix a problem, but as often as not, more glitches show up after the update.
In my experience, one of the keys to recovery from Functional Neurological Disorder lies in your willingness to discover those thoughts and beliefs that lie deep within yourself and your ability to accept what you find, analyze it, challenge it if necessary, and replace unhealthy thoughts and beliefs with new ones that serve you better. It’s not easy to dig through all of the layers of protection your mind has created and confront things that you prefer to think aren’t there. It takes courage to accept that there are parts of you that, well, aren’t very pretty.
“Sensory Overload” was a painting I did when I needed to express how overwhelming the world felt to me. Naked, vulnerable, curled up in a bubble, trying to shut out the noise, lights, and crowds in the world around me. Why must the world be so LOUD????
How well do you know your body and respond to its signals? Years ago, a friend of mine pulled into a restaurant, frustrated with me. “Good grief, Max! Don’t you even know when you need to eat?” She had started recognizing the signs that my body needed food. I would get sluggish, couldn’t think straight, and become quiet as my body ran low on fuel. The answer to her question was, no, I didn’t know when I needed to eat. Nor did I know when I needed to drink, sleep, use the bathroom, rest, or any of the other multitude of activities we do to keep our bodies functioning at their best.
Sometimes other people with Functional Neurological Disorder will ask me, “So, are you back to 100% then?”. If that means I am back to the hard-driving, multi-tasking, “Wonder Woman” of my pre-FND days, then no. That isn’t something I would want even if I could have it. Of course there are things that I miss about the old me. Having more energy is definitely on my wish list.
One of the things I love about blogging is that I have the freedom to change my mind. If I wrote a book, and I still might, once it’s out there, you can’t take back your words. With a blog, all it takes is a few keystrokes and you can edit your message. The past couple of months have been a learning and growing experience. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but that’s okay, that’s just part of being human. I feel bad that sometimes things I’ve said have led to hurt feelings. That is never my intent, but I sometimes get a little too passionate about my recovery. If I have said something that has hurt you, I’m truly sorry. I’m learning to weigh my words more carefully and that’s a good thing. If I say something to which you take offense, please send me a message. I would far prefer to be able to address something directly than to try to decipher cryptic hints on social media. Writing is a new experience for me and I don’t always express what I’m trying to say as well as I could. Miscommunication happens. I wish it didn’t.